


Knock the Wind Right Out of Your Lungs

by codenametargeter



Series: the pirate and the mage [2]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: F/F, Grey Warden Bethany, Isabela still doesn't like feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-12-07 20:44:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20982104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codenametargeter/pseuds/codenametargeter
Summary: Isabela had just gotten used to the idea of being in love when the Hawke sisters went into the Deep Roads and only one came home to Kirkwall. Now, she and Bethany have to figure out what they are anymore. Or if they're anything at all.





	Knock the Wind Right Out of Your Lungs

**Author's Note:**

> It's possible this fic went a way I did not expect. Why do I keep writing Isabela dealing with feelings?

The moment Hawke appeared in the doorframe of the Hanged Man, Isabela knew something was wrong. 

“We were in the Deep Roads,” Hawke said, voice hoarse. “A darkspawn... she hid it from me until it was almost too late.”

Anyone who'd been in Ferelden during the Blight knew what always followed those words. "No," Isabela said, shaking her head. If she stopped her now, it wouldn’t be true. "Don't you dare say it."

Her eyes widened as Hawke followed her train of thought and she hurriedly shook her head. "No, she's alive but--" She leaned heavily on the table beside her. "She's still gone."

Isabela forced herself to take a deep breath and let it out again before speaking. "Hawke. If you don't explain to me _ exactly _ what happened to Bethany in the next five seconds, I swear that I'll put a knife to your throat."

"The only way to save her was to beg the Grey Wardens to accept her as a recruit but it means she can't ever come back home to us. So I did what I had to."

Her mouth opened with half a dozen more questions but there was something in Hawke's expression that made her stop and she only asked one. "She's alive though?" Hawke nodded. "Good. That’s what matters. We’ll get her back."

Bitterness drowned out any mirth in Hawke’s laugh. “You don’t just get someone back from the Grey Wardens. It’s for life.”

“Anders left.” 

“Bethany isn’t Anders.” 

"I know she's not but between the two of us, we can figure something out."

Hawke shook her head. "The decision was made. Now we all have to live with it."

“Since when do you play by the rules?”

“I have to this time.”

Carefully, Isabela reached out to place a hand on Hawke's forearm. "Are you alright?"

The other woman looked more defeated than she could ever remember seeing. "Not really, no. I lost my brother before we could even get out of Ferelden and now I've lost my sister after promising my mother I'd protect her. I'm not sure either of them will ever forgive me."

Without even thinking twice about it, Isabela pulled Hawke into a hug, ignoring the discomfort of the armor plates against her bare limbs and chest. These sorts of gestures had started to come to her more easily ever since she and Bethany had started sleeping together. The mage had coaxed sweet kisses from her just because and casual declarations of emotions out of her lips in a way that no one ever had. "It's Bethany," Isabela whispered into her ear. "Of course she'll forgive you." Hawke didn't reply, only hugging her tighter.

It was weeks before they heard any more news about Bethany. The last thing Isabela had ever expected was for Anders to walk through the Hanged Man's door and make a beeline straight for her. "Did you finally get bored with your hovel in Darktown?"

"It's a clinic, not a hovel," Anders replied, not rising to her bait. That was too bad. She actually enjoyed getting him riled up as long as Justice stayed contained. He was actually funny sometimes. "And actually, I'm here to see you."

"Oh?"

"The Hawkes heard from Bethany," he said without any preamble. "She survived the Joining."

Isabela blinked. "Do you mean there's a chance she might not have?" Anders nodded. "Are all Wardens not right in the head?"

"Why do you think I left?" he said dryly. 

She snorted. "So why are you here telling me this instead of Hawke?"

He shifted uncomfortably. "From what she said, Bethany's letter was..." He exhaled. "The Joining changes you in ways you can't possibly imagine. It takes time to adjust. Bethany's strong. She'll get through it."

Nothing he was saying or rather not saying was helping reassure Isabela in the slightest but she wasn't about to tell Anders that. No, their relationship was much more of the bantery type as they ran around Kirkwall with Hawke with occasionally some business and drinking tossed in. "Of course she will," she said, taking a long drink to give herself an excuse for not saying more. He was still staring at her when she lowered her tankard again. "What?"

Anders extended a slip of parchment to her. "If you want to write to her, this is how." 

"Warden recruits are allowed letters?"

"Not exactly."

That was all he had to say. She could read between the lines and neither one of them probably wanted to be any more blunt about it. Instead, she took the parchment from him with a nod. "Thank you." 

She didn't write that night. Or the next night. Or the next. Writing would make it feel real.

It was two weeks before she finally borrowed a quill, ink, and some parchment from Varric who had given her a knowing look as he passed them over but thankfully didn't say anything.

Somehow, actually writing how she felt about Bethany felt more painful than speaking about it once had been. Even then, she still struggled with more than terms of endearment and brief kisses when they were in public. What they had together… no one but Bethany deserved to see it, not when she was the reason why Isabela had learned to say “I love you” without wanting to flee before the words were even completely out of her mouth.

She started simple. 

_ Bethany, _

_ Hawke and Anders told me what happened. I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Don’t know what I could have done but I would’ve tried anyways. They told me about the Grey Warden thing too. Do you have to wear their armor or do you get to keep your own? I bet you look good in that blue and silver. I’d like to see it and then take it off you. Every last piece. _

There. That felt just dirty enough for this stupid letter to feel like here. She couldn’t end it there though.

<strike> _ I wish I could see-- _ </strike>

<strike> _ If you want me to come spring yo-- _ </strike>

<strike> _ Please co-- _ </strike>

No. She couldn’t write any of those. She scratched each sentence out before she could finish it, making a mess of the page. But she also couldn’t end it like that. Frustrated, Isabela tapped the quill against her cheek for a few minutes before she finally wrote, _ I miss you, kitten, _ and then paused before putting the quill down. She couldn’t make herself add _ I love you _ to the bottom of the page even though she did. It felt too raw, too final. So like a coward, she just signed her name.

It was almost a month before she got a response. 

_ Isabela, _

_ I’m sorry I didn’t write to you too. Adjusting to life as a Grey Warden has been hard. I didn’t ask for this and I didn’t choose it. Adara decided for me. I wonder if she still would have if she knew what this was like. She probably would. That’s just who she is. _

_ I am grateful to be alive, I suppose. And this is the first time I’ve gotten any proper training for my magic. I like that part. My instructors say I learn fast although I hate it ever time they make me pick up a sword. That was always Adara and Carver’s thing, not mine. But all Wardens have to learn at least the basics so I have to train with the stupid thing every day. _

_ I miss you too and I wish I could see you but I can’t. Not yet. The other Wardens wouldn’t like it and I don’t think I’m ready to see anyone from Kirkwall yet. But I think I will be one day. _

_ Don’t forget me. _

_ Love, _

_ Bethany _

It was just so… Bethany. She wasn’t subtle about how much she was hurting but she still apologized to _ her _ even though she was the one who almost died. There was no way that Isabela deserved this woman’s love and yet she seemed to have it anyways. Still. 

This time, she wrote her response much faster: _ When you’re ready, say the word, sweet thing, and I’ll be there. _

It was another four months before she got another reply: _ Isabela, I need to see you. Don’t tell my sister. _

She barely paused long enough to tell Varric she was going to be gone before leaving Kirkwall behind. 

Vigil’s Keep turned out to be absurdly easy to both find and get into. It took a little more skulking and pointed questions to men who replied to her breasts before she was able to figure out where exactly in the fortress the Wardens were based. It turned out they had commandeered a section for themselves with barracks and training areas although she had a feeling the ranking officers lived in the castle itself. That was usually how it worked with armies and that Grey Wardens were basically an army, just a strange one.

Even though it was well past mid-afternoon, there were still groups using the training yard. Isabela’s eyes immediately searched for the mages and then one mage in particular. Her breath hitched as she caught sight of her for the first time in what felt like far too long. She’d been right: blue and silver _ did _ suit Bethany especially with the metal of the armor gleaming in the sun. There was even more of a grace now to her movements as she cast spells along with a surety. Formal training had apparently helped there. And she looked so fucking beautiful that it took everything Isabela had to hang back and observe and not rush across the yard and kiss her right there in front of everyone so they’d know that Bethany was _ hers _. Even the thought made Isabela wince at how ridiculous she sounded. This sweet girl had turned her into such a lovesick fool that her old self might have laughed if she could’ve seen her now. 

But she made herself wait anyways and found a shadowy, out of the way corner to watch from so she wouldn’t draw too much suspicion. The sun was starting to set by the time the Wardens called it a day and she saw her chance. Bethany walked at the back of the group and it was easy enough to slip up behind, grab her wrist, and pull her away.

She almost got a fireball to the face for her trouble.

“Isabela!” Bethany exclaimed, squeezing her fist shut and extinguishing the flame. “I almost hurt you!”

“I guess the ‘In peace, vigilance,’ part of the oath took,” Isabela had just enough time to say before Bethany pressed her up against the wall and kissed her hard. It was several minutes before either of them had a chance to speak again. “Don’t tell me you missed me, kitten.”

“Of course I did,” Bethany said as if the question offended her. She also didn’t move away. “I’ve missed you every Maker forsaken day.”

Grinning, Isabela said, “I’ve missed you too,” before playfully nipping at a sensitive spot on her neck and then pressing her lips against hers in a quick kiss. “So. Am I taking you back to Kirkwall so you can join Anders in the life of a runaway mage and Warden?”

They were pressed so tightly together that she felt Bethany stiffen even through the layer of light armor. “It’s not like that.” 

“Then why am I here, sweetling?”

Bethany’s lips were parted to answer when a bellowed, “Hawke!” interrupted them. She made a face and took a step back. “I have to go. There’s a tavern towards the front of the Keep. Meet me there in two hours?”

She barely had time to nod in agreement before Bethany all but vanished around the corner. 

Two hours, it turned out, was plenty of time for her mind to speculate about what the hell Bethany might have meant before and she didn’t particularly like any of the roads it went down. 

“I’m sorry I had to leave so fast before,” Bethany said as she sat down with two plates of food in hand, placing one in front of each of them. “When my commander says jump, I have to jump especially during my first year as a Warden.”

Isabela shrugged, a large bite of potato already in her mouth. “It’s fine. You didn’t know I’d get here today.”

“I didn’t know if you were coming at all,” Bethany said, attacking her own plate with zeal. Isabela was ready to protest that _ of course _ she’d come because she had said she would but the other woman never even gave her the chance. “You should tell me everything that’s happened in Kirkwall. Is Varric still telling stories?”

Dutifully, Isabela recounted everything important that had happened since the Deep Road Expedition although she knew she didn’t have Varric’s talent for storytelling. It was too bad he wasn’t there. However, she didn’t miss how deliberately Bethany turned the conversation away from her older sister whenever possible or how she kept her own stories shorter.

When they were done eating, Isabela could feel a sense of unease in the pit of her stomach because she didn’t know what came next. Back in Kirkwall, she’d known how they fit together but now? After so long?

At least Bethany seemed to feel it too. “I…” Her cheeks flushed that shade of pink that’d always delighted Isabela especially in the early days. “I convinced the steward to let me use one of the bedrooms in the castle tonight since the barracks are… only if you want to, I mean.”

At last. Something familiar. “Kitten,” Isabela started, injecting as much drollness into her voice as she dared, “I crossed the bloody Waking Sea to come see you because you sent me a note with less than a dozen words and you don’t know if I want to take you to bed?”

“I didn’t want to presume,” Bethany said, sounding more like her usual self than she had the entire day.

As soon as the door to the borrowed bedchamber shut behind them, Bethany seemed to forget all of that silly talk of presuming almost immediately and Andraste’s tits, Isabela had missed how it felt to twist her fingers through Bethany’s black hair and the sound of how she sweetly begged to come as the need grew into desperation the longer she kept her on edge.

It was late enough that the castle had fallen into the quiet of night before they got around to speaking about anything of actual substance again. Isabela only did so reluctantly, knowing it would break whatever spell had hung between them. “You never did explain why I’m here, kitten.”

“This isn’t enough?” Bethany asked, eyes half closed as she curled herself tighter around Isabela’s body. 

Isabela smirked as she dropped a kiss to her hair. “I wasn’t the one begging for more a few minutes ago.”

“Don’t be mean.”

“To you? Never.” It was tempting to let the comfortable silence take them straight into sleep but she knew that was a bad idea. “Bethany.”

“Hmm?”

“You’ll have to tell me eventually.”

For a long second, Bethany didn’t move before unwrapping herself from around Isabela and shifting to lie on her side beside her, one hand propping up her head. “A part of me… a part of me hoped you wouldn’t come so I wouldn’t have to do this. Or that maybe it would be different when I saw you.” 

She dug her nails into her palm but kept an easy smile on her face. “I made a promise to you. Of course I’m here.” 

She looked away, rolling the rest of the way on to her back. “And now I’m being selfish. And I’m going to hurt you.” 

“Just spit it out, sweetling.” Isabela was proud of herself for keeping her tone even and her expression almost as blank. 

“This has to be goodbye,” Bethany said to the ceiling. “I could blame it on a Warden rule but that’d be a lie and you don’t deserve that. But I can’t… every time I think of Kirkwall, it makes me want to scream because I’m not there with all of you. I’m here and I can’t leave. And I think about how my sister made it out of there just fine and she still has her freedom just like she always has and it makes me want to scream even more.”

Carefully, Isabela said, “I’m not Hawke.”

“I know. Trust me, I know but I can’t…” She let out a frustrated sigh. “I know I’m being selfish. I should have ended it the first time you wrote me but I didn’t. I wanted to keep something for myself but I can’t.” 

This… this felt like familiar territory even if she hadn’t expected it with Bethany. She could handle selfish. She had plenty of practice on the other side. “It’s not like I didn’t get anything out of this. Several somethings even.” 

“Stop doing that!”

“What?”

“Stop acting like what’s happening is fine!”

Isabela gritted her teeth and didn’t look away from her even if the mage couldn’t look at her. “Could anything I say make a difference?”

“No but—”

“Then we’ve had a good few months. Everything ends, sweet thing. Even this.”

She kept up the illusion of not caring for the rest of the night and the morning that followed until Isabela left Vigil’s Keep and the sweet girl she loved behind. She’d said right from the start that Bethany would be the one to break her heart. 

Sometimes, she hated being right. 

But Bethany was still the one she ran to years later when she needed to run.

Well. It wasn’t so much that she ran _ to _ Bethany as much as it was that she caught up with the group of Wardens on their way out of Kirkwall after the qunari incident that she’d partially caused. Okay fine, mostly caused. That was all what she told herself at least.

For whatever reason, Stroud didn’t object too loudly to her presence amongst the group. “Just don’t make a habit out of it, Warden Hawke.”

“Yes, sir,” Bethany nodded rapidly before they both slowed their horses enough to fall to the back of the group. Silence hung awkwardly between them before she hesitantly broke it with, “I didn’t know you knew how to ride.”

“Horses aren’t at the top of the list of things I enjoy riding,” Isabela said, leaning heavily into the innuendo. Flirting felt safe. “But I learned ages ago from an Antivan. A clever man, that one. Good with his hands too.”

“Isabela.”

“What?” 

“Why are you here?”

“Because I don’t want to be in Kirkwall right now even if a hoard of Qunari aren’t there to howl for my head anymore.” 

Bethany pursed her lips, smothering a sigh. “You should have just given the relic back before.” 

She shrugged. “Maybe but they still would’ve wanted to take me with them and I won’t convert to the Qun. Not then, not now, not ever.” 

“Not then?” Bethany asked. 

Silently, Isabela cursed her slip. “It doesn’t matter. I can leave you when the road splits if you want.” There was a pause and then another pause that turned into awkward silence. “It’s up to you, sweetling.” 

“You don’t call me kitten anymore.” 

She blinked, thrown by the change in topic. “No…”

“You used to.” It almost sounded like there was a hint of longing in her voice but that couldn’t be possible. Bethany was the one who’d broken up with her. Isabela didn’t trust herself to look at her. 

“You told me things were done. It didn’t make sense to keep calling you that.” 

Bethany flinched but didn’t say anything for a few minutes, turning her eyes back to the road. “All those years ago… I hurt you.” Even though she was the one who’d run after, Isabela couldn’t make her mouth form the lie she’d tried to tell herself ever since that night in Vigil’s Keep. “I hate that I did and I wish I could take it back but I can’t. I’m so incredibly sorry.”

Isabela made herself breath in and out slowly twice before responding. “I told you. I’m just here because I don’t want to be in Kirkwall.” 

She left the rest of it unsaid but Bethany seemed to hear it anyways. “I need you to know that I never stopped loving you even when I told myself that I did. Everything hurt so much when I became a Warden and I didn’t know what to do except to cut myself off from everything that made me remember what happened because I thought it would help. But it didn’t.”

“Why did you write to me?”

“I had a moment where I thought…” Bethany trailed off and then her shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. You reminded me of Kirkwall and of my sister and I couldn’t separate how much I hurt from how much I love you.”

The word choice caught her attention and Isabela felt as tense as a coiled spring. “We don’t need to talk about this, sweetling. I told you: I’ll leave when the road offers a choice in paths.”

“That’s not what I want!” The exclamation was loud enough to make the next closest Warden turn and shoot them a curious look. Bethany flushed pink and lowered her tone. “Isabela, please. Don’t… that’s not what I want.”

She couldn’t help but feel like she’d had this conversation before. “What do you want?”

“Do you still love me?”

Isabela swallowed hard and looked away, her stolen horse tossing its head as it seemed to sense her anxiety. “I don’t know.”

Bethany sucked her breath in before letting it out again in something that bordered on a sigh. “That’s… I can’t expect anything more than that. I have no right. I’ll stop pushing.” 

The ache and longing in her voice made the walls around her heart that Isabela had so carefully constructed after leaving Vigil’s Keep start to crumble down even as she tried desperately to keep them standing. “If what you want is a quick tumble tonight, you can just ask me.”

“Isabela, I… that’s not… _ please_...”

It was the last word that broke her resolve. Isabela steered her horse into Bethany’s and grabbed its reins, stopping both of the animals before she dropped both leather straps and took Bethany’s face between her hands and kissed her hard. The angle was awkward but she didn’t care, not when kissing Bethany felt so right even after everything that had happened. The mage let out a soft whimper of surprise before kissing her back. They only broke apart when the horses shifted antsily, one tossing its head. “Fuck,” Isabela swore softly, grabbing its mane just in time before she fell off its back. “This is why ships are better.”

A snort escaped Bethany and she clapped her hand over her mouth but it did nothing to stop the peals of giggles that followed. After a beat, Isabela found herself laughing too. It was several minutes before either of them could manage words again even if they’d had to nudge their horses into a trot to catch up with the rest of the Wardens. “I really have missed you.” 

“I missed you too.” She didn’t mind the confession now. It felt easier to say than it had felt to hold everything in before. “But Bethany…”

“I know,” Bethany said, expression and voice sobering. “All I can say is that I’m not the same person who hurt you anymore but I’m also not the same person I was in Kirkwall.”

“So who are you then?”

“A Grey Warden who didn’t choose this life.” That in itself was telling. “A mage who lived in hiding for a while. A woman who wants a second chance even if she doesn’t deserve one.” 

The last sentence somehow hurt more than anything. All of this was why Isabela had refused to do anything with love or feelings for years. It was messy. Someone always ended up in tears because that’s just what happened when you let yourself care about anyone. A part of her was still surprised that Hawke had stood by her against the Arishok even when it would have been easier to just hand her over. That wasn’t how things usually went in her life. 

And yet… 

This was all Hawke’s fault. Somehow. 

“Do you know how much easier everything could have been?” 

“If what? Adara had never run her mouth and you’d never kissed me?” 

Isabela wrinkled her nose. “Yes. All of that. And how you and your damn sister keep trying to make me better than I am.” 

“You went back,” Bethany reminded her, more firmly than gently. “You are better than you think you are. I wouldn’t love you if you weren’t.” 

“I’m a _ pirate_,” Isabela said. “I’m supposed to sail the high seas and steal whatever I can find.”

“Like my heart?” Bethany smiled at her so sweetly, so innocently, that she almost forgot they weren’t back in Kirkwall in the early days of whatever they’d had together. The horses and her Grey Warden armor were the two dead giveaways. 

She made herself swallow a retort and instead said, “Usually we aim for gold.” 

Bethany’s expression fell for a fraction of a second before she was smiling again. “That too.”

Before Isabela could talk herself into saying anything, a Warden whose name she didn’t remember yelled back, “Hawke! Come take a look at this.”

Irritation flashed in her dark eyes but was quickly replaced by an apology that Isabela quickly waved off with a shake of her head. “It’s fine, sweet thing. We can talk more later.”

“Sorry,” Bethany said before squeezing her heels into her horse’s sides so she could catch up with whoever had summoned her and leave Isabela alone with her thoughts.

She still wasn’t entirely sure when fondness had morphed into something she had no choice but to call love but at some point, years ago, it had in all of its messy glory. This was exactly why she’d always run the opposite direction from anything that smelled like feelings or at least she had until Bethany had smiled and said they’d fit right in with the rest of Kirkwall. They had and they hadn’t. Loving Bethany had been easy even as Isabela had tried so hard to guard at least some of her own heart. She’d failed obviously but at the time, it hadn’t seemed to matter. 

Then the Deep Roads had happened and everything had changed and Bethany had been plucked right out of her life. For three years, she’d told herself that moving on was the only option. And she’d tried. Sex wasn’t hard to find when you looked like Isabela did but it hadn’t felt the same as before. It had been because of Bethany. She knew that. And maybe she’d get past her broken heart one day but at the same time… she’d run straight to Bethany when she needed somewhere to be. That had to mean something. She just had to figure out if it meant enough to meddle with the messy thing called love again now that she knew how badly it could hurt. 

By the time the Wardens stopped to make camp for the night, Isabela had her answer. 

“I hear the nights get cold out here,” Isabela said as casually as she could manage, trying to keep her voice quiet enough so no one else would hear. “Want me to keep you warm, kitten?”

There was a question in Bethany’s eyes as she stepped closer and then leaned in to press their lips together. Isabela did her damnest to answer it with that kiss, stopping herself from pulling the mage flush against her only because there were so many other people around and not enough shadows. When they parted, Bethany asked, “And what about tomorrow night?”

Isabela didn’t have much of a talent for word games but she was good enough to know the double meaning and respond in turn. “How about we see how it goes?”

“That’s good enough for me,” Bethany said so quietly it was almost a whisper. She reached down to take Isabela’s hand in hers and led her towards her tent. The flap shut behind them, closing out the rest of the world. Nothing else out there mattered for now. It was just the two of them and their hesitant quest to see if maybe things could be better. 


End file.
